Ok, so the other day I was doing some thinking. I was wondering why some women tell themselves the lie that they are single because men, typically black men, are intimidated by them because they are "strong black women." Well I just wanted to say that is the furthest from true. I am not sure how this whole thing got started, and why it has lived the life it has. This is the worst lie you can tell yourself. Matter of fact its the worst lie you can tell your girlfriend and even believe worst of all.
There are probably a plethora of reasons why he has not chosen you as "the one." One of the major factors is when a man meets a woman he already has an idea what he wants and expects from her. He has sized her up mentally and decided what her potential "worth" is to him, and in getting know her he decides if she is worth taking the risk of indulging. At some point he evaluates between the cost and the benefits and which one outweighs the other. That is the determining factor whether he is going to go any further with her or just dip out chucking her the deuces as he moves on to the next hot thing that catches his eye.
When a man just drops off the face of the earth there are probably many reasons that he has decided to exit stage right. The fact is that he has decided that with YOU the cost of being with you and the benefits are not worth the risk of him taking the chance with you. So, he has opted out of the temporary "situation" with you. Basically, he has decided to keep it moving. So just because he was interested and then all of a sudden he decides to go cold turkey. Don't get your panties in a bunch and brood trying to figure out what you did wrong, or if he even really wants to be with you. He may have, and he may not, or there may be other conditions that he is dealing with and he feels that the timing is wrong.
Don't waste your time talking to your girls, and listening to the lies they are going to tell you about how you can get him. This is not one of those situations. There could have been a many things that you did that let him know that you could be needy. There can be other issues that have nothing to do with you. Either way it doesn't even matter. Just know that the excuse that your girlfriends may give you while she works her neck in sista girl tone is that "girl, he can't handle a woman like you. You are a STRONG black woman, and he is intimidated by you." That is not true, a women in her right mind, and all the right qualities and even yes a STRONG black woman is attractive to black men and they are not afraid of us. Actually they love us, but the factors that chase them away do not include intimidation. So, just erase that idea, factor and element from the equation because it doesn't make good math.
Black men are not intimidated by the "Strong Black Women", what they are intimidated by are women who on the surface appear to be strong but in reality have low self esteem and looking for their "Knight In Shining Armour" to give them a "Calgon" moment in life. They are afraid of being sucked into a drama and having a ball and chain not around their leg but a noose around their neck. The Black man quickly surmises this within the first 24-48 hours of contact but will play the game as long as it entertains and personal gratification is received.
ReplyDeleteI am in agreeance with you, however, "Strong Black Women" need to hear the hardcore truth so that they can match their outer selves to their inner selves. I wish you would have gone more into the truth of why most black women have trouble in their relationships. Discussed the problems in communication, respect, and the desire to express ones needs, desires, goals, expectations in a non intimate conversation. Have a game plan to know what you want to accomplish in a relationship. First and foremost, know what you want from a companion. To know that you must first know your self. Know, KNOW, Know what is most important in your life and be able to express that clearly. If you don’t know you cannot expect someone else to express or produce it for you. Furthermore, if you want a successful relationship get friends who HAVE successful relationships. The saying YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT does not only apply to food but to all aspects of life. Eat with people who are successful in LONG term commitments and observe their behaviours then model those traits into your life.
Secondly, accept the person as they appear in front of you not what you think they may look like two- five years from now. If he doesn’t meet your qualifications as he stands then decide to move on. Put him in the “Friend” category because if you do not meet his list of ideals, trust me you are already there at best and forgotten at the least.
I think that part of the problem that the black woman has is that her ideas are inundated with that of the mass media. She can not differentiate between what she truly feels and believes from what society has forced upon her. So we have a society of women who think they are strong, but are strong in the wrong sense. Yes, they are strong, strong willed, but not of strong character.
DeleteThey have adopted this mentality of this romance model that is perpetuated on television of the ideal relationship, and the ideal relationship experience that is storybook and fairytale. They are forced to believe that these experiences happen, because the media has inundated them with these images and ideas from the time they were children.
So in essence part of the problem is that they are unable to break away from the images, ideas, and thoughts that society has imposed on them through the many outlets of media and they are unable to conceptualize and think for themselves finding and realizing what is true and real for themselves.
So, I would say that the major problem with Black women not knowing what they want is because of mass media used by society to tell them what they should want, think and how to behave. I could potentially be wrong but I think that these influences have in many ways hindered and impacted the way that black women think, and in many ways given them a false sense of reality.
Sorry for the delay in responding, it is due to the fact that I am now working on my Masters in Sociology and I was completing my first semester of Grad School. It was and is challenging but well worth it and rewarding at the same time. I look forward to hearing more of your feedback, and input.
ReplyDelete